There are many—oh, so many—problems with local drivers, but I wanted to share a few of the most common issues I see. If you find yourself committing any of these errors, please, for the kids’ sake, get off the road.

Blinkers are purely optional

In most cases, you are supposed to telepathically divine what direction other drivers intend to take. Hill Country drivers can’t be expected to waste even a split second using that little lever on the steering column. As a corrollary, If you do actually turn on your blinker, that means you have carte blanch to move wherever and whenever you wish, no questions asked.

It’s okay to camp in the left lane

Never mind what they told you in driver’s ed. Never mind that you’re driving 10 m.p.h. below the speed limit. Never mind those signs that say “For passing only.” It’s every Hill Country driver’s God-given right to bottleneck the interstate with a five-mile line of cars behind you. If you do feel inclined to follow the law and move to the side, refer to the first rule above.

A constant speed is an impossibility

When you’re on the highway, it’s perfectly acceptable to vary your speed within a 15-20 m.p.h. range, especially if there’s only one lane of traffic. There are hills out here, after all, and it’s simply unreasonable to speed up or slow down to account for them. Besides, it’s not like our cars have some sort of magic wand that regulates speed for us.

Red lights are the new yellow lights

That is, when a traffic signal turns red, you’ve got a five-second grace period where you can continue to drive through the intersection. All those people honking their horns and spitting on their windshields are simply jealous of your ability to arrive at your destination exactly 45 seconds earlier than if you had stopped.

Take every turn like you drive an 18-wheeler

Before turning, make sure you wildly swing out—at least 20 feet—in the other direction. It doesn’t matter if you’re driving a Ford Festiva; you’ll need the clearance. Moreover, don’t worry about cruising into oncoming traffic, as those folks should just get out of your way.

No truck is big enough

Granted, this is more of an ownership, not driving, issue, but it bears mentioning. In the Hill Country, your manhood, womanhood, or overall value to society is directly proportional to the size of your truck. It is incumbent upon you to add to your truck a monstrous lift, dump-truck-sized tires, a half-ton grill guard, and some kind of snarky sticker (something that says “Ain’t Skeered” or features Calvin urinating on something should suffice).

That’s a good start. Suffice it to say, I’ll likely add more to this list as I’m inspired. Have any of your own? Feel free to add them by commenting.